


Suicide Survivor

by AdorkableAuthor



Category: No Fandom
Genre: Suicide, remembering a friend, true story
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-14
Updated: 2017-04-14
Packaged: 2018-10-18 16:17:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,231
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10620552
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AdorkableAuthor/pseuds/AdorkableAuthor
Summary: Sixteen years ago, my best friend committed suicide. In honor of Tyler Moretz, I wrote this.I still miss him.





	

**Author's Note:**

> while the times might not be correct, the dates are. 
> 
> This is an extremely personal piece that I feel I have to share. I know it's not Veronica Mars, and to my fans, I apologize.

On the evening of Good Friday, April 13, 2001, my life changed. I was a 22 year old with a job at a movie theater. I had no real plans for the future, no big goals. I was focused on friends and drinking. I wasn't an addict. I just took advantage of finally being able to drink legally. 

I had two best friends. One was Shannon. She was a single mother of two. We met working at my previous job and bonded easily. I even helped her get a job at the theater. But, before I met her, I met Tyler. He was an unemployed coffee addict. Both were older than me by a couple years. Both had hard lives, living with government assistance or in the homes of their exes. But, I loved them. For a while, I kept them separate. They knew of the other, but I didn't think they had enough in common to be friends. Shannon taught me (a little) how to flirt and we would go play pool or dance at gay clubs. Tyler and I would talk for the entire night over books or ideas or philosophy. I loved them both so much. I often called Tyler my platonic soulmate. 

It was the next day, or the day after (or maybe a week, I really can't remember) that I was at Shannon's apartment. She was working and I went there to play with her boyfriend's Dreamcast. I had never gotten one, having the Playstation instead. Brian, the boyfriend, got a call around 9:30pm or so from Shannon. At that particular moment, I didn't think anything about it. I figured it was something to do with work. Maybe she had to stay late or was coming home early. Either way, I suspected I would get the information from Brian. But, the only thing he told me was I was requested to stay until Shannon came home. It was rather odd. But, ok. I could do that.

It was close to 11pm, I think, before Shannon walked in with our manager Chris. They didn't look happy. I was tired and had been wanting to go home for a while. Chris came to stand behind the chair I was in and put his hands on my shoulders. It was strange. He and I were friends. We all roleplayed DnD together and had jokes at work. But, we weren't touchy-feely people, outside an occasional hug. This was red flag number two. 

Shannon sat across from me and I could tell she was upset over something. Brian was behind her, holding her hand on her shoulder. He looked sad. My heart was pounding. Obviously, something bad had happened. I had three sets of friends and although they had all met, they weren't known to blend. The fact that one friend circle would cross into another, without me knowing, was something I would have never predicted. 

“Tyler's dead.” 

The way she choked over the words still rattles my brain. But that's all she said, like it would explain everything. I felt this cloud invade my soul. It confused my senses. 

“What?” I didn't believe her. I didn't think she would play this awful prank on me, but I didn't believe her. She had no idea where Tyler was. She couldn't. And who would have possibly told her? She didn't know Tyler's friends. She didn't know anyone but me. 

“I'm so sorry.” She repeated it. 

The words next are what I think could have been said. “How?” “When?” “How do you know?” “What happened?” “Who told you?”, but I don't remember asking them. I don't remember the answers. I was trying to figure out if it was true. I was trying to keep my heart from falling apart. 

I felt Chris' hands digging into my shoulders, trying desperately to offer support or maybe to distract me from the gutting happening to me. I knew I couldn't stay sitting there. I had to move. I had to go. I packed up my stuff (I always had a bag of stuff with me). I stood and I walked out of the apartment. I was told later that Shannon stopped Chris from following me.

I got in my car and drove home. I was living with my parents with my younger brother. I was in shock for the first half of the drive. Somewhere around the halfway point, I let out a scream. I don't know how I got home. It had to be pure memory. I cried and protested Tyler's death. I was fighting it with every ounce of my being, willing it not to be true. I still had no idea how. But, my best friend wouldn't lie about the death of my other best friend. It was impossible.

I got inside the door and my younger brother was standing at the top of the stairs. He told me he was sorry. I nodded, not really ready to hear condolences. I had this desire that most children have. I was in pain so I wanted my mother or father. I went to my parents' bedroom and knocked on the door. I sobbed through the door that Tyler was dead. My mom came out and we hugged in the living room, while I soaked the shoulder of her nightgown. She shushed me, trying to figure out what happened. After a while, I let her go to bed. She had work in the morning. I went to bed. 

I spent the next couple of days in bed. I cried, I slept, I tried to watch television. I remember seeing commercials for life insurance and wrongful death lawsuits, due to medications or some other thing. I remember watching the episode of Buffy that week. It was after Joyce died (she had died in feb, then there was a long break before the show came back, this was the next episode) and Dawn was trying to bring Joyce back. It was a hard episode to watch. (This might be one of those things that my brain thinks is real, but it's not. The episode in question aired the week after Tyler died. Since I'm not sure when exactly I found out, I can only assume I watched this episode after.)

Sometime in those couple days, Shannon called the landline. This was before I had a cell phone. I remember hearing the phone ring, but no one came down the hall to tell me. I waited and figured it must have been for someone else. But, then, my dad came to my door. 

My dad has always been a pillar of strength in my family. He is one of those guys who doesn't cry often. He has plenty of emotions, but I'm positive he's the reason I don't like to cry in public. Just genetically inclined dislike for it. That being said, at that point, I had seen him cry one other time. I remember walking down in the basement when one of our dogs was old. He was crying over her health. I was young, maybe 7 or 8 years old. I remember being confused, but grateful to see a vulnerable side of him. I didn't realize that until I was adult. But, the realization that our parents are human beings is another essay.

But, then, my dad came to my door. He was upset. He didn't have the redness around his eyes like I did. He wasn't surrounded by tissues. His nose wasn't red and raw. He was clinging to the door knob as he talked though. I didn't blame him. He had to give me the hardest news I have ever heard. Apparently, Shannon was too chicken to tell me herself. She told the people who happened to answer the phone and left it to them. My dad got the short straw. 

“Tyler committed suicide. I'm so sorry.” 

He fought to get the words out of his mouth. I know he didn't mean to, but he dropped this bomb on me and left me to deal with the carnage. He closed the door while my world shattered. He couldn't have put it back together, I know that. I knew that it was going to be something I was going to have to work through. I was going to have to process it and come to terms with it. But, at the time, I had no idea how to deal with a death that wasn't an old relative. 

The wake was the next night, I think. I couldn't go. I couldn't go and talk to people yet. The funeral was the day after, and I knew I would need to be there for that. For him. I spent the night of the viewing writing a long letter, with the intention of slipping it into the coffin. It talked about how I was mad, but I still loved him. It was a couple pages, tear stains included. I took it with me to the funeral. 

At the funeral, I was flanked by Shannon on one side with Brian on the other, each with stashes of tissues. Chris drove us, his girlfriend offering support as well. I had friends show up at the funeral for me. People came from out of town and slipped in the back of the small funeral home room. I ended up not giving him the letter. The casket was closed and I wasn't sure how I could sneak it in. I didn't want to hand over this personal token. I kept it and read it to him later while at his grave.

Tyler knew a lot of people. He touched them all in a variety of ways. He was loved. He just didn't feel that love. A couple weeks before he killed himself, he told me he was lonely and he hurt. I had no idea how bad it was and I had no idea he would do what he did. I try not to have regrets, but it's hard to get over that one, the one where I didn't help him. 

Later, I got a call from the police and got to receive a copy of his note. He left me one specifically. I forget how many of them he left in total for everyone, but he put it in an envelope with my name and phone number on it. Tyler was trying to make it as easy as possible for those left behind. The detective gave me a copy and asked if I knew he was going to do it. They keep the originals as evidence. That was something I had never known, something shocking and trivial. They don't even let you see the last piece of paper your loved one touched. It wouldn't bring them back if they did. I had been nervous. I was still a wreck emotionally, but I am glad I went. It was then I learned how he did it. 

I won't tell you, but there's references of it in movies and television from time to time. I always have a hard time when that method comes up. I will say it's not referenced in my writing. I don't think I'll ever use that particular method in my writing. It's personal, in a morbid way. I don't want to share it. 

August 9th came and went, without a call to him to wish a happiest of birthdays. Another April, another bad Friday. Friday the 13th was more than a horror movie series or a day of bad luck. It was another painful reminder. Years past and the tears stopped. I visited his grave a lot in the beginning. Sixteen years later, I'm not entirely sure which row it's in. I still think of him, and always fondly. I was mad for a while, but I realized it wasn't going to change anything. He wasn't going to come to be and tell me he was sorry or magically take away the pain. He was gone. Being mad wasn't going to change it. 

I think it was that moment that my innocence was ripped away. In a few months, my world view would change with 9/11. But, being one of the people left behind by a suicide, it changed me. I am sensitive to suicides now. Every time I hear the word, I think of Tyler. Every time someone threatens it, I think of Tyler, and I want to help. Every time someone jokes about it, either using themselves or someone else, I think of Tyler and I get mad. No one should joke about it (in my opinion). I've talked to strangers online and on social media, begging them to hang on, to fight it out, to talk to someone. I leave myself raw with emotion because I couldn't do that for Tyler. I couldn't fight for him. 

I've had some dark times in my life. I've had moments where I've questioned if I could make it through. Because of Tyler, because of how I felt after he killed himself, I have learned I could never do that to my loved ones. I could never leave them broken like I am. 

I pick up pieces of myself still from that horrible time even now. I mend myself, little by little. I use his death as a reason to live. I am a survivor of suicide.

**Author's Note:**

> If you or someone you know is suicidal, there is help. You can make it through. You can be happy again. Please, don't give up hope.
> 
> 1 800 273 8255 Suicide Prevention Lifeline  
> suicidepreventionlifeline.org has online chats. 
> 
> RIP Tyler. I love you always.


End file.
